Dear Miss Manners: Every year for the past 20 years, my in-laws and my parents have sent us a certain amount of money at the holidays, in lieu of a gift. We have always sent them gifts, since I didn't feel that sending them money was appropriate.
By the time I find something suitable, wrap it and mail it, it costs me at least as much as they have sent us in checks, so I never feel that I actually end up with anything but a lot of hassle. They end up with a nice permanent gift.Granted, there is no money lost, only my time and effort. It's just that after 20 years, I have nothing to show. Could you help clarify my thinking, as I can't seem to get this straight in my head.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners would prefer to clarify your bookkeeping.
They do not send you money with which to buy them presents. They send you checks which you should spend on yourselves. Granted that selecting presents would have been nicer, but let us make the generous assumption that shopping poses some special difficulty for them (an assumption that it is easier to make now than when they were 20 years younger).
In an unrelated action, you took your own money and went out and bought them presents. That was very nice of you, and Miss Manners suggests that you take your satisfaction from that, rather than trying to tally up how you came out financially.
Dear Miss Manners: The arrival of holiday cards has stirred up a dread and lots of pain which I need your help in alleviating. How did I ever become a non-titled person?
I am a divorced mother. After my husband left, I discovered that my friends did not know how to address mail to me. Suddenly my title was changed from Mrs. to Ms., or, mostly, to no title at all.
Having suffered the public humiliation of my husband leaving, I now find that I have also been publicly stripped of a title. It sort of reminds me of the dishonorable discharge from the Army, when an officer was called in front of the troops, and the epaulets that showed his rank were ripped from his shoulders and thrown on the ground to indicate that he had dishonored the group.
Is this more of a general problem than my personal one?
Gentle Reader: Indeed it is, and Miss Manners is afraid it is a mundane one, unconnected to the high drama you have so vividly described. Your friends aren't vicious; they're confused.
And no wonder. We have no agreed-upon system for addressing ladies, whether they are married, single, divorced or widowed. It is all very well to allow each person to decide for herself what she prefers - well, no, it's not all very well.
You are an example of what happens when someone happens to guess wrong about a lady's choice and she takes it for an insult, rather than a mistake. Another lady addressed as "Mrs." would be just as likely to feel insulted, on the grounds that she got rid of the title with the husband.
The old form for a divorced lady is "Mrs." with her maiden name and married surname - "Mrs. Hightower Jones." Equally correct, and more usual now, is "Ms." with the lady's first name and either her married surname or a previous surname to which she has returned.
Miss Manners suggests you have paper made up with your choice, so that your correspondents know what it is. And that you not take insult where none was intended.
Dear Miss Manners: This year my company sent me a gift box containing, among other things, ham, bacon and sausage. Last year I received a whole smoked turkey. I have been a vegetarian for over four years, and am offended even by the sight of such frivolous expense of life.
I don't want to offend my superiors at the company, and I know all employees receive the same gift, so it might not be fair to make an exception just for me. But how can I prevent this from happening next year, and what do I do with the corpses in the freezer? Should I send a thank-you note?
Gentle Reader: Unless you work for a grocery wholesaler, it seems foolish for your employer to spend money on presents, which could have been put into a Christmas bonus. This being a business relationship, not a friendship, the company can hardly be expected to know what would please each individual, as demonstrated by the fact that even such a conventional item as Christmas food was highly unsuitable in your case.
But then it seems equally futile to try to explain your individual preferences in the minimal thank-you note appropriate for an impersonal gesture. If you must, Miss Manners suggests you thank them for the food "which, as a vegetarian, I do not eat, but which I have donated to the homeless." Just don't count on this being remembered next year.