Harriet Braiker has seen marriages so filled with emotional poison the partners were killing each other.
Her advice to them: Run, don't walk, to the opposite ends of the earth.But not all such relationships are that easy to dismantle. Take those with bad bosses, for example, or prying parents. Walking away often isn't possible, and in some cases it isn't desirable.
Unfortunately, toxic people can, literally, make you sick. Talking with vicious Uncle Bart can churn up the stomach acid, and working for foul Mr. Green can send your blood pressure soaring.
Braiker has made it her business to help people isolate the human causes of their pain and protect themselves from the poison. Her book, "Lethal Lovers and Poisonous People: How to Protect Your Health from Relationships That Make You Sick" (Pocket Books, $21), recently hit the bookstores.
"We've become really aware of health risks, but we have overlooked psychological poisons," Braiker said. "They are everywhere."
Toxic people make us feel helpless, anxious, hostile, frustrated, cynical, hopeless and lacking in self-esteem, she said.
Those emotions, in turn, can interfere with the immune system, induce high blood pressure, cause plaque to build up in arteries and trigger headaches and stomach aches.
"I'm much less concerned about why people are toxic than I am about what needs to be done," she said. Asking "why?" takes the focus off the primary business at hand - dodging the venom.
Canadian endocrinologist Hans Selye, credited with linking stress to illness, prescribed major surgery. He recommended that stressful people be cut from his patients' lives.
When that's possible, Braiker agrees. But the people most lethal are often those we love or depend on for our daily needs.
"These kinds of emotions arise out of the closest relationships in our lives," she said. "How toxic they are depends on `fate control,' how much control these people have over our lives."
Many of these relationships aren't voluntary. We don't get to choose our parents or siblings, and usually aren't consulted when new bosses are hired.
"In today's economy, it's hard to quit a job because of a toxic relationship with a boss or co-worker," she said.
In those cases, Braiker recommends that people get psychological distance from the poisonous person.
"Be civil, but stop being psychologically intimate," she said. "Don't give them any information that can be used to hurt you."
Voluntary relationships such as marriages and friendships are another matter. She suggests a series of steps that may used to neutralize the poisons.
- Try to dilute the poison by infusing the relationship with positive emotions.
"Take an inventory of the good things you used to get from the marriage, and have your partner do the same," Braiker said.
Then list the kinds of positive emotions you would like to get from your partner. Be specific. Often this is an exercise in learning how to give and receive emotional support.
- Purge the poison.
Examine the negative feelings and find out why they keep coming up.
"Ask yourself, `Why do we keep having these problems?" Braiker said. "A lot of people keep fighting about the same issues because they never reach a resolution."
Learn to fight constructively. Take five-minute time-outs to regroup before things get ugly, to interrupt the buildup of anger. Then ask yourself what you were so angry about.
Choose your fights. Ask yourself if the incident that triggered the argument is really worth fighting about. Let the silly things go and save up for the issues that matter.
- Administer antidotes to neutralize the poison.
If you're tense, find ways to relax. If you're down, have more fun.
"Make a list of 25 activities that bring you pleasure - going to a movie, having a picnic, taking a bubble bath," Braiker said. Then do something fun. Get a funny tape. Buy a funny book. See a funny movie.
Braiker suggests trying her steps for six weeks before evaluating their success. If you decide the effort isn't worth it, don't consider it a failure.
"I've seen marriages so toxic I couldn't help them stay together," she said. "I don't say to discard a marriage lightly, but it's not a failure if you've tried.
"The best decision may be to get out. It may be a life-saving choice."
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(Additional information)
Be on the alert for 7 deadly signs that may indicate toxic relationships
The seven deadly signs of a toxic relationship, and the damage they can do:
- Helplessness: A feeling that you can no longer control yourself or the problems in your relationship. Leaves you feeling trapped with few alternatives. Prolonged helplessness makes the body secrete excessive levels of the hormone cortisol, which interferes with the immune system's ability to fight off infections and some forms of cancer. It also can deplete the brain's supply of dopamine, a chemical that helps fight depression.
- Anxiety: Stems from insecurity, fear and uncertainty, as well as an inability to predict a partner's feelings and behavior. Anxiety can depress the function of natural killer cells that fight infection. It also can cause clinical depression, substance abuse and eating disorders.
- Hostility: You're always ready for fight or flight, and may have hidden resentment or may say hurtful things, pick fights or get physically violent.
Hostility is the most lethal ingredient in heart and vascular disease because it stimulates the production of excess norepinephrine, a stress hormone. It can build up in the coronary arteries, promote high blood pressure and trigger artery spasms that lead to heart attacks.
- Frustration: Caused by blocking the satisfaction of needs. Poor communication is a major source of frustration. It can produce anxiety, depression and physical disorders.
- Cynicism: Occurs after being disillusioned or disappointed. It triggers depression, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, depression of the immune system and buildup of plaque in arteries.
- Loss of self-esteem: Feeling unappreciated, unloved, unworthy and mistreated. It is closely related to other deadly signs.
- Hopelessness: A mosaic of despair, futility and despondency. Results in a feeling that your relationship will never improve and it's impossible to feel better. It brings a high risk of suicide and depression. The brain chemical catecholamine is depleted, which suppresses the immune system.