Dear Miss Manners: One of my co-workers regularly listens in on my telephone conversations and comments on them. I do not always object, as the commentary is sometimes helpful or funny. However, when it includes the comment, "That's rude," I do object.
This person is a self-appointed social monitor, and rude is her favorite word. I have tried ignoring her, directly telling her that calling someone rude IS rude, inviting her to look in a thesaurus and dictionary prior to speaking, and having her repeat herself over and over, hoping she will get the message and quit.How do I stop this person short of resorting to my age-6 retorts of "Shut up" and "Liar, liar, pants on fire"?
Gentle Reader: It's a good thing that Miss Manners doesn't know a jingle like that with which to taunt people who commit the rudeness of calling others rude. If she did, she'd be in danger of being just as rude as they are - and you have kindly agreed not to be.
Nevertheless, you have opened yourself up to the rudeness you dislike by permitting your co-worker the rudeness of eavesdropping and the privilege of offering criticism. Doing this with rude people is a big mistake. The time has come for you to say, "I'm sorry, but I'm finding it terribly distracting to talk to you and someone on the telephone at the same time. Why don't I just tell you all about it afterwards when I want to consult you?"
This is the way polite people say, "When I want your advice, I'll ask for it."
Dear Miss Manners: My fiancee and I have both always been rather uncomfortable with the "wish lists" normally prepared at various stores, describing how many toasters, which china pattern, water goblets and towels the happy new couple desire.
We are planning and paying for our wedding, within the means and budget we have mutually agreed is acceptable. Although we may not have our dream china pattern to pass on to our children yet, we don't feel ready to pick such an expensive investment, nor do we believe we could "ask" for such an expensive gift from our guests.
How do we graciously tell those who ask and almost insist on the "registering" custom that we are not registered and that their presence in sharing our happy day is the best gift we can hope to receive?
Gentle Reader: What? You are going to violate modern custom and not use your wedding as an opportunity to extort dry goods from everyone you know?
Miss Manners supposes that's what one should expect of people who are planning to keep their wedding expenses within their means. She congratulates you for understanding that choosing your wedding presents is not your job, as well as on a marriage obviously founded on kindness and good sense.
Other people seem to have trouble realizing that registering in stores is not a religious or legal requirement for getting married. From a mere convenience for bewildered guests, it has become a method of commercializing the once-charming custom of trying to think what might please one's friends upon their marriage.
Do not allow yourself to be drawn into ordering your own presents. You need only reply by adding, as you follow your instinct in telling people how happy you are that they are attending, "I'm sorry, but we really haven't given it any thought."
Dear Miss Manners: I work at a nursing home, in housekeeping. Our supervisor has said a few things to me at our lunch table that I do not think are appropriate. She always seems to lash out at me. I don't know why. Maybe she thinks I talk too much, but there are others who talk as much if not more.
Now I am being quiet, but still no success with her. Just last week, on our first break, I sat down to eat my toast but I had not eaten the crust. She said, "You wouldn't get away with that if you were at my house."
So I said, "Why would I want to eat toast at your house, anyway?"
Would you call this harassment, or what?
Gentle Reader: Harassment has become a legal term, and Miss Manners confines herself to etiquette rulings - under which it is a serious abuse of the supervisor position to be rude to employees.
This applies even to work-time discussions of work-related problems. To harangue an employee over private matters when she is off duty is totally unconscionable.
Miss Manners has as much reason to be galled by your supervisor's behavior as you, since the rudeness was committed under the false cover of teaching manners. So while she does not condone retaliatory rudeness, she is going to classify your rejoinder as a joke. She only asks that you not use this as license to be imprudent or rude (while adding that there is nothing rude about bringing such a legitimate complaint to the attention of your supervisor's superiors).