For someone who's been a feminist as long as I have, you'd think I'd know by now to check with Feminism Central before I say or do anything that knocks me out of lockstep with my millions of sisters around the globe.
After all, as everyone knows -- especially people who take to the airways or opinion pages to criticize the "Feminists" -- we all think and act exactly alike.You see, when you become an "official feminist" you are also given a toll-free 800 number for Feminism Central. This is so you will never be in doubt about what you must say and do to be one of the Feminists.
If only I'd remembered to call before the women's World Cup soccer final. Then I wouldn't have had to learn via a syndicated opinion columnist who heard it on a network TV magazine show that I was horribly out of step.
According to Bonnie Erbe, who did not quote a single known or unknown feminist, the so-called "babe factor" probably accounted for some of the men who became fans of the championship U.S. team -- and that maybe fact ticks off the Feminists.
"Now, I don't pretend to speak for feminists, never having embraced that or any other mantle myself," wrote Erbe. "But that doesn't stop me from offering them advice nonetheless.
"If the perfect physiques of team members such as Mia Hamm, Brandi Chastain and Lorrie Fair are part of the attraction, then let feminists now praise beautiful women."
Continuing her lecture, Erbe said: "If beauty and sex appeal are simply two items on a long list of reasons why people may tune in to watch women's sports, then women should be thankful for and not resentful of that . . . So should feminists put down, upbraid or scorn the babe factor? No. They should applaud, support and promote it for all it's worth."
Heavens to Gloria, Betty, Germain, Susan and Naomi. You can't imagine my embarrassment.
There I was -- still high from watching the U.S. and China put on a clinic in teamwork, individual athleticism, heart, guts and the miracle of the human body -- and I was expected to be resentful.
How did I get so far off the Feminist track?
It is entirely possible that I missed a scathing comment from Patricia Ireland, Gloria Steinem or Naomi Wolf about how the babe factor forever taints the joy of the U.S. women's World Cup victory. (I didn't see the same TV show Erbe did.) But miss any comment I did.
Worse, I have not encountered one other feminist since the big game who had a clue that we were supposed to be offended, resentful, scornful, etc. Every feminist I know is still on the ceiling from excitement, pride and the satisfaction of knowing that Title IX works.
Unfortunately, this sort of thing seems to be happening more and more. My feminist pals and I have to read or hear -- usually from someone like Rush, George Will or Katie Roiphe -- what we're supposed to be thinking.
If this continues, that 800 number will be disconnected, and we'll have only ourselves to blame.