Disrespectful arguing can terminate a relationship. According to research at the Gottman Institute, couples who engage this way have only a 15 percent chance of their relationship surviving.
Many couples struggle with fighting fairly. Learning what needs to be said, how to say it and what not to say are just a few of the challenges facing those who can't seem to argue appropriately. Learning to state your needs without adding fuel to the fire is a relationship necessity. Here are some communication tools for resolving disagreements and making your interactions easier and more satisfying:
— Making verbal attacks, using bad language and continually criticizing your partner will deconstruct your connection. Your words will chip away at the foundation of your relationship by weakening your partner's self-esteem and ability to see what it is that really needs healing. If there are behaviors that you need someone to change, point them out, using solid examples along with suggestions of how you would like things to be different. Often, people are unaware of how their words can affect those they live with and how simple changes in language can make a vast difference. Just agreeing to stop swearing is a powerful tool that will immediately lower the tension.
— Getting clarity can be difficult when emotional issues arise, but it's important. Sometimes our feelings take over, and we either get scared by them or blinded with anger. Being open and honest with your partner, even if you are anxious or hurt, is the best way to resolve issues. Clamming up, sending double messages or being evasive will only serve to frustrate both of you. Say what you need to say in an appropriate manner so that you can move on and enjoy your life together.
— Learning to never terrorize loved ones is an important communication rule. So many relationships would be saved if this threatening behavior were eliminated. These inappropriate remarks are actually a way of saying to the people you care for "I'm hiding the fear I really feel, but I sense this isn't going to go the way I want it to." It would be much more productive if you could honestly say, "I need some clarity. Let's chat."
— When discussions digress into yelling matches, taking a timeout is a tried-and-true method of keeping things on track. Either person can call a timeout, but both of you need to agree beforehand that you will commit to completing the conversation, no matter how uncomfortable it may have become. Leaving things unfinished is an invitation to further misunderstanding and hurt feelings.
— Interrupting anyone when he or she is sharing feelings is a way of discounting what the other person is saying. This interrupting technique is also a way of not listening to someone's feelings, which also causes emotional pain. Listen to your partner, and don't interrupt.
Take these tips to heart and use them often. Your relationship will be better for it.
Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, Calif., is the author, most recently, of "100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence: Believe in Yourself and Others Will Too." E-mail him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.